Heartfelt words from a fellow momma raising a child with autism:
Getting an autism diagnosis for your child is a heart-wrecking incident in your life. It shakes you up completely and as a parent you hear only negative comments initially from doctors, therapists, friends and family. It seems like your life is ending with this incurable condition. You grieve over it and then you grieve some more. Then you realize that you cannot give up on your child. Your child is still the same child he was before you heard of the diagnosis. You start researching like there is no tomorrow. Soon your life becomes PhD study of diets, supplements, treatments and protocols for improvement. You become possessed by Autism recovery. You feel like there will be light at the end of the tunnel and you put in all your energy and resources into helping your child. You forget the rest of your family and just have laser focus on your child with diagnosis.
Continuously reading on FB, talking to only moms with special needs and therapists becomes your life. You work so hard without any breaks and soon it takes a toll on your health. After DOING so much, the gains don’t compare and then you start losing your optimism. You go through anger, guilt, frustration, not being enough feelings. There comes a point where just leading routine life starts becoming a burden. You realize that no matter how hard you try, things will work out only when your child is ready. You can make the best of efforts and the results will come when the timing is right. It’s not easy to surrender like this since one part of you says you cannot give up on your child, the other part says let it go and just accept life as is.
Finally after huge internal battles, I have chosen to just BE. To be happy with what I have, to be grateful for every small change I have seen, to look back at how much progress is made instead of how much more needs to be made. This LET GO has given me so much peace and relaxation. It reflects on my son and he is making progress even without me stressing about it. He still has a long way to go, but now I have decided to just BE instead of DO all the time like a non-stop robot. I have begun to love myself first and spend time in myself and do things that make me happy. Only when my cup is full, can I give me son my best. I have decided to judge my success as a mother based on how I present to him every day. I have to accept him for what he is instead of expecting him to be what I want him to be. This is hard, but I am making a conscious effort to surrender any thoughts that divert me from this intention.
Why am I sharing all this? It took me 6 years to get here. If sharing this can even help one mom, I feel like my mission is accomplished. There is huge learning curve on this journey. I guess our kids have come into our life to help us dive deep inside us and realize how much power and strength we have inside us that was just dormant. We are not just healing our kids, we are healing ourselves at the same time!! We are ordinary human beings and its normal to go through all these emotions. It’s important to forgive ourselves and continue to LET GO as we move along. I am very fortunate to share this journey with your rocking moms who teach me so much and are always supportive and inspiring!!